This is a first for me. Not the fact that I live with feelings of depression, anxiety, loss and grief, but writing about feelings of depression, anxiety, loss and grief. Where do I begin? How do I describe how it feels to be totally absorbed in these feelings? How do I relay to someone how this FEELS? How do you describe something that no words exist to explain?  I don’t know how, but I’m gonna try anyway.

I can use words like hollow, empty, consumed, worthless, heavy, meaningless, judged, misunderstood and ALONE. Alone in a room filled with people. SO ALONE! So FUCKING alone!

I can also use words like judged, misunderstood, hopeless and helpless.

As hard it is to describe, for those of us dealing with this…you GET it all too well.

It can seem to come out of nowhere when you feel like everything is going “fine” or it can come from a tragedy in your life. Sometimes it can be traced back for generations as with my family. Other times it seems to start with you.

I can talk about panic attacks. How do I describe the uncontrollable inner terror that a panic attack feels like? Or, what it’s like to feel that you’re losing your sanity. The fear of never “coming out” of a panic attack. Existing from moment to moment hoping another attack doesn’t come, but it does. Your world becomes smaller and smaller as you try to avoid places where the panic has struck, to the point of becoming completely housebound for THREE months. How do you explain that to your family? How do you explain to them WHY you can no longer do the simplest things. The normal, everyday things become unbearable.

Depression, anxiety, loss and grief, feel like you no longer have any “control”. Getting out of bed feels impossible. You simply function because you HAVE to. You pretend you’re ok, you smile.  You do your best so that the people around you don’t feel “uncomfortable”.

The physical pain that is felt…..like you’re drowning in despair.

THIS is MY story!

Chapter 1 “In the Beginning”

My first panic attack was at age 15.  I didn’t know until decades later that’s what it was.  I was smoking pot with friends.  I did a LOT of that at that time.  I was SO scared, I walked to the hospital and sat in the cafeteria to wait for me mom to pick me up.  I thought I was dying!  Little did I know that I would get them later in life……..in a MAJOR way!

At age 30, I started having panic attacks daily.  I still had no idea what was happening.  I was having blood work done….tests run…anything to help me find out what was “wrong” with me.  I was convinced I must have an uncurable disease. Since all the tests came back fine, I came to the conclusion that I was going insane!  All I could picture was my kids having to visit me in a mental institution.  Then came the depression.  GRRRRREAT!  Just what I needed.  My world became smaller and smaller as I avoided any where I had experienced a panic attack.  I eventually could not leave my house.  For THREE months, I did not leave my house.  I didn’t go to the grocery store.  I didn’t go anywhere with my kids.  I COULDN’T do it.  I’d try, but then I couldn’t breathe.  I felt like I was going to throw up and have diarrhea.  That’s a great feeling to have in the middle of the grocery store.  It was terrible!  I hope this isn’t too much information, but I want to tell the whole story.

Then, on one of my days stuck in the house, I had the TV on, in the background, and Oprah was on.  I wasn’t paying any attention to it until I heard a woman from the audience start talking about her own experience with panic attacks.  She was describing ME, exactly!  That was the first time I could put a “name” with what I felt.  Damn!  I felt relieved to know I was NOT alone!  And, best of all, that I was NOT going crazy.  I cried!  Now, I could find out what the hell to do about it.  I went to my general doctor, started on an anti-depressant and went to counseling.  Over time, with their help, I was able to dig my way out of the hole I felt I was in.  Now, I rarely have them!  WHEW!

Fast forward to April 12, 2018.  The day I lost my son, Sean, to suicide.  Even while I’m writing this, I still don’t want to believe it.  How can this be true? My SON!  My CHILD!  My handsome boy.  FUCK!  Life sure can throw you some terrible shit to get through, can’t it?!  That day, my life was forever changed and I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it!!!!

Chapter 2 “The Harsh Light of Reality”…………COMING SOON………………